Ryan Spear's Ad Absurdum
Random Absurdities August 26, 2011

Okay, as some of you may know life has really gotten in the way of things for yours truly in the past month or so, but here for your entertainment and pondering pleasure is the latest round of absurdities.  I’ve got some catching up to do on a few subjects and fully expect to get plenty of complaints on a few of these.  Here goes…

If you haven’t seen the latest Transformers film, it was fun and I can recommend it.  Of course it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and I understand that, but I heard one review that just made me want to strangle the critic.  Basically she said, “Well, I liked the film, but it had too many robots in it.”  Okay look, if you don’t like the Transformers movies because they have “too many robots” in them, YOU ARE WRONG!

And now, these next few have something to do with things out on the roadways.  Let me ask this question; is there some kind of unwritten law of the universe that says if you’re driving a minivan, that you have to drive ten miles under the posted limit?  For Christ’s sake, don’t these assholes have a soccer practice or something they need to get to?

And speaking of things that slow down traffic, I’m getting tired of these middle aged douche bags who watch the Tour de France for three weeks a year, and then decide to drop a couple hundred bucks at Dick’s Sporting Goods on a bicycle and a helmet, and suddenly they think they’re Lance Armstrong.  You look at some of these guys and think to yourself, oh look, it’s a heart attack on wheels.  I’m pretty sure if I ran this guy over, we could classify it as a mercy killing.  And as I write this, my home state of Colorado still has two more days of the USA Pro Cycling Challenge to fuel these idiots’ illusions of grandeur.

Also, a word to all you proud parents out there who’ve decided you need to put a bumper sticker or window decal on your automobile that states you have a baby on board.  Look, I do what I can to be a safe and responsible driver.  I expect you to do the same.  Putting a sticker on the car that says you have a baby on board does not absolve you of responsibility.  Hang up the cell phone, put down the latte, keep two hands on the wheel, stay alert, and get yourself and your newest taxation on the Earth’s resources home safely.

And wrapping up these roadway observations, I’ve decided that when I become king, motorcycles will no longer be eligible to receive handicap license plates.  That one should explain itself.

Again, I admit that this one may be a little dated, but I do want to make mention of it.  Apparently earlier this summer the Octomom stated in an interview that she doesn’t really like kids.  Well, as I understand it, Casey Anthony is going to have to do something to appease the debt collectors lining up to knock down her door.  Maybe the Octomom could give Casey a call, and see if the murderer wants to baby-sit the litter.  If you’ll pardon the pun, that’s one way to kill at least two birds with one stone.

Speaking of criminals in the news, quit calling Jared Loughner the suspect in the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords.  He’s not a suspect.  He did it.  Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet, and Professor Plum are suspects, because there’s still some doubt as to just who did what to whom with the candlestick in the library.  But Loughner is an assassin and a murderer.  We know this because he committed his crime in broad daylight with hundreds of witnesses present.  And if it weren’t for the fact that the FBI rolled through in a matter of hours and confiscated every video camera at the scene, you’d be able to watch the entire tragedy from a variety of angles, pans, and zooms on YouTube.  

And the kid from Texas who broke into an apartment and bit the person who lived there on the neck is not a five hundred year old vampire fiend.  He’s a nineteen-year-old moron.  But if he really believes this bullshit, there’s only one way to deal with a vampire.  That’s right, drive a stake through his heart and rid the world of his stupidity.  But seriously, and this goes out to all the Christian helicopter parent PTA members out in middle America who are always on the lookout for new titles they can add to their list of books that need to be burned; I recommend the Twilight series.  All the DVD’s too.  You can’t be too careful when it comes to this sort of thing.

And finally, after the east coast getting shaken (but not stirred) by an earthquake earlier this week, and bracing for a hurricane this weekend, I have to say I’m a bit surprised that the religious nut jobs of the world haven’t taken this opportunity to tell the rest of us how disappointed their invisible friend is with the current state of our country.  But I do have to say, that I’m really hoping that Irene does not hit New York City on Saturday afternoon.  And it’s not because I don’t enjoy a certain amount of chaos and disorder each night on the national news, or any real regard for the meddlesome humans who live there.  Nope, I just don’t want to listen to the residents of New Orleans complain about how the Big Apple was rescued and cleaned up so much faster than the Big Easy was after Katrina for a minimum of the next ten years.  Yes, it’ll happen that way, and it should, but I’m not going to explain why right now. 

So there you go.  You can start writing your angry letters now.  

  1. ryanspear posted this